They Call Us Children, and They Treat Us Like Mice

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hisnamewasphilcoulson:

Who is Phil Coulson? WHO IS PHIL COULSON?!

Alright you sit your uneducated ass down because I’m about to drop some knowledge on you.

See this motherfucker right here?

Better known as AGENT COULSON. Maybe you’ve heard of him as the AVENGEE OF THE AVENGERS. And he goes by all kinds of names. Cheese, Son of Coul, PETER PARKER AKA SPIDERMAN’S FUCKING PRINCIPAL.

He’s an agent for The Strategic Homeland Information Enforcment and Logisitics Division. MOTHER FUCKER I KNOW IT’S A MOUTHFUL WE ARE WORKING ON IT. You know what, you can just call it S.H.E.I.L.D. if your ass can’t handle the heat.

EVER HEARD OF IRON MAN? Yeah this mother fucker don’t care what TONY STARK DOES, he can HANDLE HIM. Oh I’m sorry you’ve got a supercomputer named JARVIS? SURPRISE. AGENT COULSON OVERRIDES YOUR SECURITY PROTOCOLS. 

Oh I’m sorry you think you know a thing or two about Captain America? NOPE. COULSON KNOWS. He is his number one fan. He’s got trading cards. A MOTHERFUCKING VINTAGE SET. You liked seeing Captain America’s sweet ass in that suit. YOU CAN THANK PHIL COULSON FOR PUTTING THAT ASS ON DISPLAY BECAUSE HE DESIGNED THE MOTHERFUCKING COSTUME BITCH.

Wait? Two bitches trying to rob a convenience store? CALM DOWN. COULSON HAS GOT THIS. And the only reason they aren’t on the floor the second they walk up in there is cause PHIL CAN’T DECIDE WHAT DONUTS HE WANTS. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? And then after he’ll go on his merry way to the HAMMER OF FUCKING THOR.

Oh wait. HOLD UP. HOLD THE FUCK UP. Cause Phil Motherfucking Coulson goes out like a champ. He shoots your NORSE DEITY through a wall with some gun and he isn’t sure what it DOES.

And you think Loki’s got an army. HANG ON I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE COLLECTIVE SOBS OF EVERY AVENGERS FAN ON THE PLANET. Coulson is what the AVENGERS ARE FUCKING AVENGING.

HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKER